Tasting Snake Venom Hot Sauce

There is hot sauce, and then there is hot sauce that requires a toxicology report. Snake Venom Hot Sauce — marketed under the tagline "One Drop, One Prayer" — is made in a converted bunker outside Tucson by a man who goes by Rattles. He is missing two fingers and all of his fear.

Rattles extracts venom from captive rattlesnakes, dilutes it to non-lethal concentrations, and blends it with ghost peppers, reaper chilies, and what he describes as "desert rage." The FDA has opinions. Rattles has a locked door and excellent ventilation. I had an appointment.

The tasting room is a folding chair in a concrete room with a fire extinguisher and a priest on speed dial. Rattles placed a single drop on a tortilla chip the size of a thumbnail and said, "Most people scream." I said, "Most people aren't me." I ate it. My sunglasses fogged. My spines stood at full attention. For eleven seconds I saw the birth of the universe and it was angry. Then I asked for another drop. Rattles wept. Not from sadness.

Carl once wrote a blog post about mild salsa at a farmers market. I am writing this from memory because my taste buds are still rebooting. Rattles offered me a partnership. I said I'd consider it if he added a "Gnarl's Revenge" variant with double venom. He said that would be illegal in nine countries. I said that sounded like marketing. We shook on it — carefully.